Phineas and Ferb: Street
by bilaterus
Summary: In which everyone in the Tri-State Area, except 'Perry da Platypus', are hit by a Street-inator, causing them to constantly talk street. And guess which semi-aquatic platypus happens to have an intense hatred of slang? Rated T for (relatively mild use of) strong language.


Perry the Platypus was one heck of a secret agent.

There were many reasons for this. One was his impeccable cover as a mindless pet. Another was his sharp senses, which missed nothing and considered everything. There was also his unquestionable loyalty to the agency, his dependability, his professionalism, his dashing good looks, and his semi-aquatic-ness.

And above all, the fact that nothing got to him.

If you asked Major Monogram, he would say Agent P's best quality was the fact that, no matter what ridiculous time Doofenshmirtz was planning something, Agent P would be up and ready immediately. Even if Major Monogram had to call at the _really _ridiculous times, like 2 in the morning, or between 3:30 and 4 on a Saturday afternoon.

Today, the call came through at about 6:30 am. Fully alert as he always was, despite the time, Perry coolly entered his secret hideout, awaiting his briefing.

Monogram appeared on the screen, as usual.

"Wassup, Agent P," he said. "D to da izz-oof is up to some wicked crazy scheme. Get out there and lay da smack down on his ass."

Perry twitched visibly.

"Mono-G-man is out, dawg. Peace!" After Monogram flashed the peace sign, the transmission ended and the screen went black.

Actually, there was one small thing that got to Perry the Platypus. One thing that really got under his skin, one thing that, were Perry a mad evil scientist, would warrant a Doof-like evil scheme out of his hatred for it.

Street lingo.

It wasn't that Perry had strong personal principles that it went against. It wasn't that Perry had an emotionally scarring backstory involving street thugs, wannabe or otherwise. Street lingo just irked him. He deeply disliked the whole street image, the whole 'smack talk' style, the '_dawg_'s and the '_word_'s and the '_izzle_'s. The closest of an explanation he himself could think of was that it contradicted his innate professionalism, but even his daily dose of both Monogram and Doof (both of whom were, at best, unpredictable) didn't bother him like this did.

Perry took a breath to compose himself. He was not going to let one briefing gone sour spoil what seemed to be a perfect day. After all, while a 6:30 start seemed early, it meant that Perry could thwart Doof and be back in time for breakfast, free to spend the whole day with the boys from the moment they woke up at 7:00.

_Besides,_ Perry reasoned, _it's not like I'm going to hear any more annoying street talk today, am I?_

*Diddyshmirtz Evil Incorporizzle!*

_You have got to be kidding me, _Perry thought.

"Ah, Perry da Platypus," Doof said sinisterly. "I guess you wanna know what the heck is goin' down here."

Perry twitched visibly inside the swathes of wrapping paper he had been tightly caught in.

"Well, back in G-shtump, speakin' all messed up like would bring shame on yo' family. So da low-down of my totally sick evil plan is to zap Roger wit' my Street-inator. Then I can take over all of da Tri-State Area! I've not worked out da deets yet, but this plan is legit, dawg!"

Perry chattered in distress as Doof babbled away, trying desperately to drown out the sound of Doof's talking. Even normally the evil scientist was just about tolerable, but now Perry simply couldn't stand him.

"And that's not even da best part!" Doofenshmirtz continued gleefully. "People that get zapped don't even know that they've been zapped, man! So Roger will be all talkin' in street without even realisin' it himself! It's so wicked evil! And then afterwards I can zap the entire Tri-State Area and be the only one makin' any sense, know what I'm sayin'?"

Everyone in the entire Tri-State Area speaking street lingo without even realising it? There was no way that Perry could take that. He couldn't even take any time to even try to comprehend the stupidity of the plan Doof was explaining. He just knew he had to thwart Doof quickly. Or he would go insane.

Using all the frustration and desperation he had built up inside him, Perry burst out of the wrapping paper. Wasting not a single movement, he knocked Doof flying right into his inator, causing it to shake violently. Perry quickly dived under a nearby conveniently placed reflective barricade Doofenshmirtz had originally set up to protect himself from the rays of the Street-inator (but which he had obviously failed to use properly - did he even know he had been hit?). It was then that the despicable machine exploded, but not before sending out a huge wave of green energy in all directions and straight up disappearing into some big-ass cloud of smoke.

Perry smacked his face wit' one of dem hands of his. Then his eyes straight-up widened.

_Wait, what? Really? bilaterus - er, the narrator - has been hit too?!_

_Ok ok, calm down. At least I'm not the worst of it is over now..._

"Damn, you straight up thwarted ma wicked plan, Perry da Platypus!" Doof complained, rubbin' his back in pain. "But da effects ain't gonna be shaken off for da rest of da day. Man, I feel major bad for everyone dat got randomly zapped, dawg."

Perry's eyes went and widened even further. _Randomly zapped..._

_Oh no. _

_Oh please no._

"Hey Ferbo, I know what we're gon' do today!"

_Noooooooooooooooo_

"Oh, there you at, Perry," Phineas holla'd, reachin over to pick up da visibly recoilin' platypus. "You seem awfully squeamish today, fo' real. Is you feelin' ok?"

_A whole day of this! _Perry screamed inwardly, still tryin' his utmost to get outta his boy Phineas's grip.

"Yo Phineas, whatchu doin'?" Isabella holla'd, as she strolled in all cute-like.

"Oh, not much, gurl," he holla'd back, settin' a squirmin' Perry down on dat grassy back yard o' theirs. "Just plannin' what we gon' do today."

_Let it be something simple, _Perry prayed desperately. _Please let it be something simple._

"Oh, here comes our peeps, Big Man and Baljizzle," Isabella called, as Buford and Baljeet swaggered in through da backyard gate.

"What is crackalacking, my peeps?" Baljeet holla'd.

"Yo dweebs, we're buildin' a train around the Tri-State Area," Buford stated definitively.

_Well, at least I'm not going to be involved in a train project, _Perry observed gratefully, as he slid away from da backyard into da safety of da house.

"Sick idea, Big Man," Phineas holla'd back. "Heck, let's make it a platypizzle train with Perry as a wicked fresh mascot!"

No pun intended, but that made Perry straight-up freeze in his tracks.

_I'm in hell._

Da Perry-shaped train screeched to a halt as it stopped all up in da next lil' station, almost resemblin' a funky bus stop, da noise causin' Perry to shudder as da platpus sat on da pedestal near one of da train exits.

There was a flurry of random train-ridin' people gettin' off da train and a flurry of train-needin' people gettin' on through da train doors right next to Perry, givin' his ears a stream of ordinary people talkin'' merrily to each other in street lingo as if it were all normal to 'em.

"Ok John, I'mma get dat bizness and accountin' report to you by da end of da week or my name ain't B-Dawg From Da Street."

_A whole summer fighting Doofenshmirtz and of all the schemes, this is the one that's broken me._

"Yeah, then she was like 'oh no you di'in't' and I straight-up said 'oh yes I di'id'. Honestly, my momma don' even believe I cleaned my own room, gurl!"

Even the train itself seemed to be mockin' Perry as it started to move, its wheels crack-a-lacking, crack-a-lacking, crack-a-lacking...

_I can barely take it any more…_

"Hey peeps, check out my watermizzle!"

"Ain't this a blast, Perry?" Phineas holla'd, laying a hand on Perry's back. "And to think, we got the _whole _day togethah! Not a single thang is gonna get in da way!"

"Fo shizzle," added Ferb.

_Arrrrggggghhhhh!_

Perry was exhausted.

After 12 hours of torturous train riding and the non-stop hustle and bustle of people, the Head of Transport from Seattle happened across the train system. As it turns out, the map of Seattle was almost identical to the map of the Tri-State Area, and so after the man professed his admiration for the system, Phineas happily handed over the keys to the train and the whole thing was airlifted away, leaving no trace. As usual. And, as you might have guessed, the effects of the Street-inator had now worn off, returning everybody's speech to normal. Not that most of them knew anything had happened in the first place.

It had been a torture designed by a particularly deranged mind specifically for Perry, after all.

As soon as everyone had returned home, the drained platypus went straight upstairs and slumped onto Phineas's bed. He could not stand to look any more at those innocent faces that he had so badly wanted to punch for the entire day. Now _that _was a thought he never imagined he would have. And having such thoughts itself, it goes without saying, had made him feel even worse.

Eventually, it was time for everyone to go to sleep, and after the conversations in his that had echoed in his head finally died down, Perry managed to drift off into sleep too. That was when his watch communicator beeped.

Perry sleepily hit the button, and Monogram appeared on the screen.

"Wassup, Agent P," he said. "D to da izz-oof is up to some wicked crazy scheme. Get out there and lay da smack down on his ass."

Perry threw the communicator out of the window and went back to sleep.

Back at the agency, Monogram begrudgingly handed over a five dollar bill to his grinning intern. "You were right, Carl. I guess I'm not very street after all."


End file.
